


Scars

by the_genderman



Series: The "oh god why"-verse [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: And I'm not talking about just the arm, Don't Judge Me, I'm really sorry, Let's start out by saying I know this is a bad idea but I had to explore the idea anyway, M/M, Morbid curiosity, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Not Canon Compliant, Not quite HTP but kinda HTP-adjacent, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, See notes for specific details because this is hella cringeworthy, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 09:55:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11377800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_genderman/pseuds/the_genderman
Summary: The short and vague warning: Non-consensual body modification, and I’m not talking about the arm.The less short but even vaguer warning: Seriously, this is messed up. I won’t judge you for reading it, if you won’t judge me for writing it.Chapter 1 is the fic, chapter 2 is meta/discussion.Originally posted on Tumblr April 2017.(I am working on new fics but they're happening kinda slowly and in the meantime I've reached the "oh god why" Tumblr stuff.)





	1. Chapter 1

“A good soldier knows his duty.” The cold metal of the table and the restraints. 

“A good soldier does not abandon his mission.” The sour rubber taste of the well-used mouthguard. 

“A good soldier knows that desertion must be punished.” The bite of the scalpel between his legs. 

“Desertion will not be tolerated.” The screaming in his ears that he knew, on some level, was his own voice.

He must have passed out from the pain; next thing he knew he was being shaken awake.

“Bucky! Bucky, you’re safe here! Wake up, Buck. You’re safe.” He felt a hand on his arm, but that was Steve’s voice. Steve wasn’t there, so if Steve was here, then he must not be there either. Bucky opened his eyes.

He had dug finger-shaped holes into the memory-foam pillow again. The pillowcase was torn and damp. The sheets were uncomfortably damp, as well. Nothing like a middle of the night terror-sweat.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve said softly. “You back with me now?”

“Maybe?” Bucky mumbled.

“But you’re awake, so that’s a good start. You had me really worried for a moment there, Buck. It took longer than usual to bring you out of it. If there’s _anything_ you want to talk about, please, don’t hesitate. I don’t like seeing you like this, and it can’t be pleasant for you.” Steve rubbed his hand lightly up and down Bucky’s arm as he spoke. His touch was so gentle. Bucky forced himself to focus on the feeling, to bring his heart rate down and breathing under control.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Bucky said, curling in on himself.

“Alright,” Steve said, maybe a little disappointed. “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here. Or if you aren’t ready to tell me, but you still want to talk about it, we can find you someone to talk to. A real therapist. We can get Hill to vet them for you, make sure they’re safe.”

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“No offense, but I don’t wanna talk about any of that right now. I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to get back to sleep, but I’d like to at least try.”

“Of course, I’m sorry,” Steve said, wrapping his arm around Bucky’s chest. Bucky took Steve’s hand in his, keeping it well above his waist.

———————

“C’mon Bucky, I have to shower before going into work. Just because I’m a big name doesn’t mean I can get away with smelling like I just ran a half-marathon. I mean, I _did_ , but that’s not the point. I work with other people, you know,” Steve said, tapping persistently on the bathroom door.

“Just give me a minute, Steve. I’m almost done,” Bucky said, stowing the vial and used needle in their respective pockets in his dopp kit. He’d have to watch himself getting the needle back out; he dropped the guard out of surprise when Steve knocked on the door and he wasn’t sure where it had rolled off to. He pulled the towel back down over his thigh, hiding the mark. After a moment of hesitation, he pulled his bathrobe back on, too. Steve kept telling him that he didn’t mind the scars, he didn’t have to wear his robe around after showering, but Bucky couldn’t bring himself to tell him that wasn’t the reason.

“You know, if you cut your hair, you’d take less time getting ready in the morning,” Steve bellyached.

“I thought you liked my hair,” Bucky said, giving Steve an exaggerated frown as he opened the door.

“I do, just not when you’re taking ages in the shower. Did you save me any hot water?”

“One of these days I’m gonna see if I _can_ use up all the hot water in our suite,” Bucky teased.

“Well, then I guess I’ll just have to start showering _with_ you,” Steve grinned back.

Bucky forced a smile. “You’ll have to earn that, Stevie,” he said, trying to keep his voice light.

“Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” Steve said, reaching out to pat Bucky on the ass.

Bucky dodged and smacked Steve’s hand away.

———

Bucky was reading on the couch that evening when Steve sat down heavily next to him and clicked something down on the coffee table. Bucky glanced up. The needle guard. Oh. He’d meant to go back and look for that before Steve got home again but he’d gotten distracted and forgotten about it. Oops?

“Bucky…” Steve’s voice had gone to that ‘I’m not mad, just disappointed’ tone that he did distressingly well.

Bucky looked at Steve but didn’t say anything.

“Bucky. What is this?” Steve tried again. “And don’t get sassy with me. I _know_ what it is; I want to hear it from you.”

“It’s not what you think it is,” Bucky finally said, meeting Steve’s eyes and staring back.

“What do I think it is?”

“It’s a needle guard.”

“Yes. It is. And are you going to tell me why I found it in our private bathroom that only you and I use?”

“Nope.”

“Bucky. Am I going to have to make you pee in a cup?”

“I’m not on heroin or meth or anything like that. I promise.”

Steve gave him a skeptical but hopeful look.

“I can’t tell you yet,” Bucky said.

“Alright. I’m gonna trust you on this. But you will tell me eventually, right?” Steve asked.

“Eventually.”

———————————

Steve didn’t _really_ believe that Tony chose Game of Thrones as the Avengers TV-binge out of spite. There might have been some undercurrents of resentment, but he wouldn’t stoop to deliberately choosing a show that had so much violence and so many potential triggers, right?

“Steve, please stop mother-henning me. I think I’ll be able to handle a TV show. Violence and death aren’t exactly a foreign concept to me, remember?” Bucky said. “And if I can’t handle something, I’ll just leave the room, ok? We’ll take this one episode at a time. Besides, everyone talks about how good it is, and I’m already far enough behind on pop culture. Let me get into something current.”

And so it was. And so far, Bucky had handled it pretty well. Sometimes Steve would feel him pressing himself closer into his side, grounding himself. Steve would run his fingers through Bucky’s hair or rub his shoulder, or just hold him. Steve tried not to let it show that, well, some of the scenes bothered him, too. Stay strong, let yourself be his anchor. 

All in all, Bucky had handled things pretty well up until season three. They had reached The Bear and the Maiden Fair when he got up and practically sprinted out of the room mid-episode.

“Ok, show of hands. Who here thought the Red Menace would be the first one to get full-on leave-the-room grossed out? Because I did not,” Tony said, pausing the show.

“How many times have I asked you to stop calling him that?” Steve said, getting up to follow Bucky out of the room.

“Good question. F.R.I.D.A.Y., how many times is that now?”

“Tonight was the sixteenth request, Sir.”

———

Steve found Bucky in the closest bathroom, hunched over the toilet. He had his hair messily fisted up in one hand, the other gripping the lid so hard there were cracks spiderwebbing across it.

“They’re all laughing at me, aren’t they?” Bucky asked without looking up.

“What? No! Of course not,” Steve said, kneeling down next to Bucky.

“I bet Tony’s laughing,” Bucky said sharply.

“I promise, he isn’t,” Steve said, rubbing Bucky’s back.

For a few moments, neither spoke.

“What, you’re not going ask me what’s wrong?” Bucky asked, a little peevishly.

“Only if you’re ready to talk,” Steve replied. “I feel like a broken record, asking you what’s wrong, and you telling me that you’re not ready to talk about it. I am, I will be, here for you when you’re ready. Are you?”

“I might be,” Bucky said, closing the toilet lid and slowly getting back to his feet. “You wanna talk back in our room?”

“Anywhere’s better than the bathroom floor.”

———

Steve had piled up the pillows and was leaning back against the headboard. Bucky lay with his head in Steve’s lap. Steve’s hands were on his shoulders and his hands were on Steve’s. Bucky had his eyes closed. Steve watched his chest rise and fall, his breaths deep and long. Finally Bucky spoke.

“I’m gonna start off saying that episode hit a little too close to home.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s not. Lemme give you a hint…” Bucky undid the fly of his jeans and Steve blanched. _No_. He _can’t_ mean that. Steve watched as Bucky pulled a rolled-up sock out of his underwear. Oh God. He _did_ mean that.

“So, uh, how bad is it?” Steve asked queasily.

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly say there’s any _good_ outcome when HYDRA’s menacing your giblets with a knife, but on a scale from one to Ken doll, let’s just say I’ve got more hair and scar tissue than Ken does,” Bucky said darkly.

“Oh. Ah, I… I’m sorry. Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“I didn’t tell you before because I wanted to get settled back into a routine first. I don’t want _pity_. I just want to try to live as normal of a life as I can,” Bucky said.

“The needle guard I found in the bathroom that one time that you didn’t want to explain. Was that somehow related to this?” Steve said, making a vague sweeping motion with his hand.

“Yeah; injectable testosterone. I’m not a _huge_ fan of needles (also courtesy of HYDRA, fuck you very much), but needles are preferable to having to deal with the effects of my body no longer being able to make this rather important hormone. Running out _sucks_ , let me tell you.”

“Ok. Well, now that we’re talking, what all else should I know? Is there anything medically that can be done for you?”

“Look, Steve, if the Wakandan doctors couldn’t fix it, why do you think anyone else would be able to? (”Well, I didn’t know about this until tonight, how was I supposed to know they knew?” “I was completely naked in front of them, they couldn’t not know.” “I also didn’t know that because you didn’t want me in the room for your examination.” “Can we stop arguing about this?” “Yes.”) And I’m serious about the ‘don’t pity me’ thing. I’m still angry at HYDRA for doing this to me, but I’ve also sort of come to terms with it. I’ve got too much scar tissue to try to rebuild anything down there, and even if that was feasible, I’d still have to be on artificial hormones for the rest of my life. So this is me now. This is my new normal,” Bucky explained.

“This new normal is gonna take some getting used to,” Steve said. “I mean, it doesn’t change how we’ve been since you came back out of cryo, but it’s… I don’t know. It’s something I’m gonna have to get used to.”

“Yeah, and don’t think I haven’t noticed you making fuck-me eyes at me. I still love you and I still want to be with you, but I have approximately zero sex drive. I know the hormone replacement is supposed to do something about that, but the fact still stands that I have no dick and a head full of trauma. You’re gonna have to buy yourself a dildo or something. Maybe eventually I’ll get to a place where I could participate in some form, but right now, you’re on your own.”

“If I had to give up sex forever to help you with _anything_ , I would do it, in a heartbeat, Buck.”

“You never did grow out of saying stupid stuff, did you? There’s no need for _both_ of us to be frustrated and sexless. I don’t want to stop you from enjoying yourself. Just because I can’t get off anymore doesn’t mean I want you to give up something you enjoy just for me.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, of course I’m sure. Don’t be a noble idiot, Steve.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the meta/discussion part.

Topic Warning: Castration. Or, technically emasculation. I learned that while the term “castration” is commonly used for removal of testicles alone and for removal of both penis and testicles, the latter is more properly termed “emasculation.” My browser history is… questionable.

I don’t know what caused me to think about it, but I know the original word that sent me down this spiral of shame. “Intact.” Like, I don’t know what I was originally thinking about, but the word “intact” was involved and then that made my brain go “Intact? Know what word is related to that word? Castrated.”

Like, we know none of what was done to Bucky in the Winter Soldier program was consensual. We know he fought back. In the comics, he went walkabout and disappeared for a week or so and the Soviets (yes, I know. In the comics, the Winter Soldier wasn’t HYDRA, but in my headcanoning it’s a Soviet branch of HYDRA) had quite a bit of trouble getting him back. So, like, what steps would HYDRA have taken after that? Both as punishment and as a means of trying to control him “better.”

The serum is a fictional substance and therefore follows no real-world rules, but even it has its limits. Like, it provides for greater strength and accelerated healing. It also acts a bit like testosterone, but if the source of endogenous testosterone is removed, there’s only so much it can do to compensate.

Castration in humans is kind of frowned upon nowadays, but in animals it reduces aggression and makes the animal more docile and tractable. And obviously reduces sex-drive. Also, apparently in cats and dogs, spaying/neutering reduces the daily optimal/required caloric intake? HYDRA would probably find that useful.

So, I’m seeing it starting out originally as HYDRA utilizing chemical castration to minimize “distraction” to the Winter Soldier. Which eventually turned into physical castration as punishment for trying to escape. Like, full-on remove the external bits castration. (Because my brain is capable of really horrible ideas.) Both as a physical reminder of what they are capable of, a control thing, and as a dependency thing. If HYDRA controls the supply and administration of exogenous testosterone, well…. HYDRA would provide testosterone injections while he was in their “care” to keep him at optimal condition for missions, but if he went rogue (again), then eventually the injected dose would be used up/wear off. Immediate effects would include becoming more quickly/easily fatigued, irritable. Longer term effects would include loss of muscle mass. All of which would make it just that little bit easier for HYDRA to recapture him.

Which necessarily causes some problems when he escapes HYDRA at the end of CA:WS. Anger, resentment, embarrassment, the need to find a source of injectable testosterone while in hiding. Dealing with symptoms when he runs out and can’t get more as quickly as he’d hoped. CA:CW. He can’t hide it from the Wakandan doctors, obviously, but he doesn’t want Steve to know (yet?). And then, dealing with Steve and their relationship. Steve keeps trying to get Bucky to open up again and Bucky keeps finding reasons not to.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, the specific warnings. The "non-consensual body modification" mentioned in the tags refers to castration/emasculation. Yeah. I know. I'm sorry. Sometimes I explore unpleasant ideas.


End file.
